Classic Mark Twain Quotes*

The first time I saw a berry I was filled with fright and hesitation.  But after that I found it a most sensible sort of thing.

Now baseball is a most peculiar pursuit.  Hitting a ball with a wooden stick?  Why, the neandrathal thought of such a thing, I imagine!

I believe that the single greatest tragedy in the entire history of mankind was undoubtably the invention of the SHOE!

The difference between the fool and the imbecile is that the fool knows his limitations!

If you ever go out on the river, you'll find that the best sort of people are those you never meet!

Sometimes when one cracks open a simple egg, he wonders to himself: is it all worthwhile?

I suppose that when mankind invented the house, he thought he had triumphed over nature.  I also suppose that the first time he found an insect in his bed, he saw who was really in charge.

I believe that an extremely intelligent monkey is only as smart as the person who trained it.

I think that if I had to be forced to make my home in a tree, I would choose to live in a mighty sycamore.... for obvious reasons.

Why is it that our alphabet ends with the letter "Z?" I suppose that if mankind were given the chance to re-write the alphabet, he would choose to end it with either "G" or "S" .... for obvious reasons.

I suppose that you can tell the difference between a fool and an imbecile in the following way:  The fool makes an excellent actor, the imbecile, an excellent comedian.

I think that mankind's greatest accomplishment would have to be the construction of the pyramids.  Second would undoubtably be the invention of the cane.

I suppose that man's fascination with the weather is that when he looks at it he sees reflected his own cowardly nature.

If a bear were offered both a rock and a pear, most people would say that the bear would naturely choose the pear.  I however say that if the world were right, the bear would choose the rock ... for obvious reasons.

Now the street lamp is a most curious sort of invention.  If one is travelling by night, he should ask himself: for what is he really travelling?

In my years of life, I have never had my interest consumed so much by a fruit then by the common watermelon - well except for the pineapple, for obvious reasons.

I suppose that mankind imagines that, with all his inventions, he can conceal his foolish nature.  But could even the mightiest oak, if it were to fall, bridge the expanse of the Mississippi?  I think not!!!!

Some say that man's ways will fetch him trouble in the end.  I say that the handkerchief is trouble enough!

I think that the surest way to succeed is through one's own efforts - except, of course, in Kentucky, and possibly Cincinatti... for obvious reasons.

I suppose that the choice between either fame or wealth is quite difficult - unless, of course, you are a Frenchman - his choice is obvious to all, I imagine.

Some say that the happiest person is the one who has found love. However, I say that the happiest person is the one who has found the ability to control space and time.

Now eyeglasses are a most curious sort of invention. I suppose that if the poor chap realized in advance that they would help him see, he would never put them on to begin with.

I feel that if we knew we would become blind before we had the calamity struck upon us, we would try to read many books to fill our minds with such knowledge before the horrible fate, but if we did, and found out that caused the blindness, now that would be the most terrible paradox of all.

If I had to spend the rest of my life as a citrus fruit I would have to choose an orange for obvious reasons, however if I had the choice to be non-citrus fruit I would be an apple, and the reasons for that choice can baffle even the most intelligent scientific mind.

I think that the greatest crooks of our day are undoubtedly the watchmakers ... for obvious reasons.

No doubt, there is many a fool today who believes himself wise. The question is, do we believe him as well?


* NOTE: Though he may well have said any one of these sayings, none can in fact be authentically attributed to Mark Twain.  They are all from the minds of Steven Pilker and Kevin Eudy, created in the style of Mark Twain as we best understand him - using as reference Mark Twain: Wisecracks and Witicisms and Star Trek: The Next Generation "Time's Arrow."