"Ignore truth, then peace shall be the result."

"All you need is an umbrella and a home-cooked meal, then success is sure. "

"The difference between a donkey and a lightning bug is quite simple. The former is an exquisite thing; the latter an obvious misnomer."

"Any chap who tells you he can do without cauliflower is a buffoon."

"Clothing is a common problem. But the danger involved in such a notion is plain to see. "

He's back and wittier than ever!

In the program that makes America's favorite white-tuxedoed humorist COME ALIVE in none of the ways that count:

The Mark Twain
Quote Generator!

(click above!)

Capable of generating billions of fake Mark Twain quotes, on demand!

With the Mark Twain Quote Generator, I have tried to capture the witty yet often perplexing style of America's most popular white-tuxedoed humorist. I have tried to tweak it such that each quote generated delivers a perfect two-handed punch, managing to be confusing yet also strangely insightful.

I hope you enjoy the Mark Twain quote generator, and remember - a super intelligent monkey is only as smart as those who trained it.

"The difference between priesthood and poverty is quite obvious. Yet I could do without either."

"All a member of Congress needs is a debate and coffee, then government is sure."

"Profanity: the best of all the lost arts."

"Oddly enough, nothing is as infuriating as wisdom. Our very country was built on such a notion!"

"If you ever travel Alaska, a man has no business to be depressed by science... for obvious reasons. "